Think Twice. Act Once

PREFACE

Welcome to our first excursion into the world of Common Sense Guides.

I am Noah Thoridy.

My choice of this particular nom de plume is not accidental. If something I say in these books makes sense to you, I want you to receive it in that context.

The problem with most authors is that they want you to believe what they say based on the length of their credentials. I don’t want you to assign any extra credibility to my commentary because I have a law degree from Harvard, and am a licensed clinical psychologist.

Are you impressed? Don’t be! I don’t have a law degree from Harvard, and I am not a psychologist. If I were to list my education and background, you could mistakenly begin to think that I actually know what I’m talking about. The fact is, I’m a simple observer of the obvious. If I have any sense at all, it’s common, and you have it, too.

NOAH’S GUIDE TO THE NORMAL RELATIONSHIP

CHAPTER 1

AH WOMEN AH MEN

The NORMAL relationship. What is it? Where does it start? Why is it so hard to find and keep? How do you know if you’re in one?

Webster states “normal implies conformity with the established norm or standard for its kind.” Great! Now, we know that normal means average. Allowing for the assumption that you and your significant other are both human, it would be safe to conclude that you are in a normal relationship.

Now, before you begin to doubt the genotype of your mate because of all the inhuman things he/she perpetrates, let me assure you that this is not the core of the problem.

George Elliot once said, “I’m not denyin’ the women are foolish: God Almighty made ‘em to match the men.”

I’m not sure what George meant by that, but I love quotations and they seem to add authenticity to my writing.

The point is, like it or not, you are both human and are in a normal relationship. The problem is that you may be in a normal relationship with the wrong person. I will be dealing with this problem in greater depth in Chapter 2, The Meeting Game.

We have all heard the phrases “Women aren’t human” or “Men aren’t human” depending on the source. These comments, most certainly, stem from the fact that men and women simply don’t understand each other. Gee! There’s no major revelation there. Men and women are simply like comparing apples and oranges, or more correctly, bananas and pears. Many women are seeking a top banana and a lot of men are looking for a great pear. Both are readily available. So! How do we bring this garden relationship to fruition? Easy! Careful PICKING.

CHAPTER 2

THE MEETING GAME

Welcome to the orchard of fun, where the fruit of your dreams is hanging on every tree, where the shopping takes precedence over the buying, and where your five senses obliterate your common senses.

Of course, finding someone that is attractive to you is a wonderful place to start. But, how do you know that your new banana isn’t a little slippery, or your wonderful pear doesn’t have a core defect?

Opportunities to meet new and exciting people are everywhere. You are focused. You aren’t merely seeking the date of the week. Dare I say it? Only Mr. or Ms. RIGHT will do!

There she is! In the corner, casually perusing the new edition of Soldier of Fortune magazine, she sits, a stunning beauty, waiting for YOU to light up her life. Anyone that looks like that must be perfect for you. You coolly sidle up to her table. She looks up at you with piercing eyes, obviously impressed by your suave and debonair manner. Clearly, she finds you as devastatingly attractive as you find her. She speaks first. She has a decidedly English accent. She is direct. Looking straight into your eyes, she introduces herself. Hello! My name is Blond…Jane Blond. Theme music enters here. We fade to black and you are next seen waking up in a hotel room, in love, forever. Right! Time to get out of the movies and back to reality.

Meeting places abound. The famous singles bar scenario… Hi! I’m Susie, what kind of car do you drive? To Hello! I’m Rich, let’s go for a ride on my new Harley. Or, an introduction from your Aunt Jemima.

It really doesn’t matter how you meet. All you ever get from a first meeting is to establish initial attraction.

Now we get to the crux of the real problem. How do we delve into this attraction to determine whether we have really found Mr./Ms. Right? Trained CIA operatives shrink from the task of attempting to get meaningful information from a prospective date.

You would have better luck asking a politician for the truth. Why? Presumably, both attracted parties want to determine whether they have found their mate. Why is the truth so hard to get? Easy answer! Visualize that you are sitting across from the most alluring vision in the universe. You want to be loved. No way do you want to say anything that could drive this perfectly appearing creature away. The truth is impossible to get at in this situation. In fact, if a person asked if you liked classical music, you would hastily cover up your Grateful Dead t-shirt and profess your devotion to Rocky Manoff or B.T. Hoven. BIG Mistake! But even the truth in searching for compatibilities may not be enough! We’re doing it WRONG!

CHAPTER 3

COME PAT MY ABILITIES

OK! Through your own infallible selection process, you have located your potential ulti mate. This person and you were instant soul mates at the meeting game. Both of you virtually seethed honesty and integrity. You found more compatibilities with this person than you have with yourself. In fact, it was so intense that you even discussed installing dual commodes in your bathroom. So…what’s next? Wedding bells, rice and happy ever after? Why not? This person has all the earmarks of Mr./Ms. RIGHT. What could go wrong? (See Murphy.) Future happiness with this guy/gal appears to be a virtual lock. Sorry to disappoint you, but this lock could still have the wrong combination.

What do we do now? Here I am, telling you that this Mr./Ms. Perfect may still not be right for you. It appears that we are on the horns of a dilemma. But, perhaps the dilemma is not as horny as you think! The key word is “may”. It’s still possible, at this point, that you have really found your dreamboat. No…ship.

The fact is…that compatibilities are nice, but they are not the most important item in your selection process.

It’s perfectly all right for your mate to like a good ball game while you are a big chess fanatic. Or for you to like Opera, while they like Jimmie Kimmel. The number of things that you enjoy doing together, simply, will not be the focal point of the successful relationship.

Well if compatibilities are not the key, what is?

That’s easy! For example… Say that the lady of the house is being a beach kind of person today and the male member wants to be himself at home. How this problem is resolved is the very essence of a successful relationship.

I’m talking about the single most important part of the human relationship.

INCOMPATIBILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPTER 4

IN COMBAT ABILITIES

So…what are these incompatibilities? How do they relate to the mate selection process?

Oh! Boy! Now I’ve started it! You know all about incompatibilities. Why, just yesterday, your husband wanted a pizza, and, due to your splitting headache, you didn’t. But did he understand? Hah! The insensitive boor dragged you to the local hut just to satisfy his sausage lust.

Last Sunday, all you wanted from your wife was for her to accompany you to the big game for some uproarious, beer swilling fun with seven of your work buddies, and she had the nerve to suggest that she would rather go to a concert with her friends and enjoy Bach. Despite the fact that you assured her that the game had more options than Pilsner and Lite, the selfish wench opted for her friends.

And furthermore…..! STOP!!!!! I know that each of you could relate thousands of similar anecdotes concerning all your incompatibilities, but the reality is that your general incompatibilities don’t matter that much.

WHAT?? Didn’t I just say in Chapter 3 that incompatibilities were the single most important part of the relationship?

Yes, but the reality is, that your relationship can survive your general disagreements. There is only one basic incompatibility that is ALWAYS fatal to a relationship.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a clue as to what that might be. Wait! Don’t shoot! I’m only kidding.

The single most important compatibility/incompatibility controlling the success of your relationship is…

Fanfare… Music…

THE DISAGREEMENT INCOMPATIBILITY

Ok! Now, what does that mean? To grapple with this question, extensive research through the writings of an ancient Chinese philosopher was required. Answer coming up next!

CHAPTER 5

…CONFUSE US SAY…

“DIS AGREEMENT IS INSCRUTABLE”

The disagreement incompatibility is simply the one basic problem that can destroy your relationship no matter what else you have in common.

The most important aspect of the disagreement incompatibility is…

How do you disagree?

Uh Oh! I hear those answers thundering in like a loco motive.

I yell! She hits! Sometimes we throw things! I only bite when it’s his fault….

Wait a minute! Before we get off track, I said “HOW” do you disagree. Those terrible things that we do to each other when we fight are the WHATS not the HOW….

The most important element of the “HOW” is… How well do we meet the needs of your mate in time of crisis?

While we all like to be kneaded by our mates occasionally, at no time is it more important than when we are under stress. When you look under your wife’s stress, what do you find? When your husband puts on his stress, how do you deal with it?

Ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing in your relationship more important than the answers to those questions!

If your relationship has the basic incompatibility, it could be DOOMED from the start.

Your Hon does not have to be Attila and your wife does not need to travel by broom.

The basic incompatibility destroys relationships occupied by two great people, wholly unsuited for each other because the BASIC INCOMPATIBILITY is there!

CHAPTER 6

THE FINAL SOLUTION

MIXING NEEDS

OK! Let’s bring it all together. How do we identify and avoid basic incompatibility, before it’s too late?

That’s the bad part… You can’t… You’re really screwed!!! Take it easy! I’m only kidding, again.

Let’s take a look at an example of a typical BASIC INCOMPATIBILITY couple (no villains here).

Mort is a quiet, gentle man that needs to deal with his upsets by brooding alone for a short period. Then all is right with the world!

Viv is a lively, intelligent woman that deals with her upsets by directly talking them out with her mate.

This is a classic BASIC INCOMPATIBILITY formula for disaster. Here’s a knock need couple, and why!

Say, Mort comes home from work, obviously disturbed about something. He passes through the kitchen, gives Viv a little Hello hug and goes into the den to brood. His personal need at this moment is to be alone.

Viv, the sensitive wife that she is, notices that her mate is distraught. This upsets her. Her need is to help Mort by talking him out of his funk; thus fulfilling her need to talk through upsets.

This is starting to look like trouble, Huh! Well, you get the drift. Viv goes to talk to Mort… Mort doesn’t want to talk… Viv pushes… Mort gets angry… Viv gets rejected and hurt… Viv gets angry… Mort is angry at Viv’s anger... Mort needs to brood…etc. ad nauseum… I have a headache!!!!!!

The good news is that, even the basic incompatibility can be overcome.

So, Here’s the SECRET…strong enough for a man and made for a woman...

Use whatever compatibilities that you like, any incompatibilities you can tolerate, but, NEVER, NEVER violate the basic incompatibility law. That is... Your mate needs to be there to satisfy your needs when you are upset... and vice versa!!

IT’S ONLY COMMON SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!