Think Twice. Act Once

PREFACE

Welcome to our first excursion into the world of Common Sense Guides.

I am Noah Thoridy.

My choice of this particular nom de plume is not accidental. If something I say in these books makes sense to you, I want you to receive it in that context.

The problem with most authors is that they want you to believe what they say based on the length of their credentials. I don’t want you to assign any extra credibility to my commentary because I have a law degree from Harvard, and am a licensed clinical psychologist.

Are you impressed? Don’t be! I don’t have a law degree from Harvard, and I am not a psychologist. If I were to list my education and background, you could mistakenly begin to think that I actually know what I’m talking about. The fact is, I’m a simple observer of the obvious. If I have any sense at all, it’s common, and you have it, too.

NOAH’S GUIDE TO THE NORMAL RELATIONSHIP

CHAPTER 1

AH WOMEN AH MEN

The NORMAL relationship. What is it? Where does it start? Why is it so hard to find and keep? How do you know if you’re in one?

Webster states “normal implies conformity with the established norm or standard for its kind.” Great! Now, we know that normal means average. Allowing for the assumption that you and your significant other are both human, it would be safe to conclude that you are in a normal relationship.

Now, before you begin to doubt the genotype of your mate because of all the inhuman things he/she perpetrates, let me assure you that this is not the core of the problem.

George Elliot once said, “I’m not denyin’ the women are foolish: God Almighty made ‘em to match the men.”

I’m not sure what George meant by that, but I love quotations and they seem to add authenticity to my writing.

The point is, like it or not, you are both human and are in a normal relationship. The problem is that you may be in a normal relationship with the wrong person. I will be dealing with this problem in greater depth in Chapter 2, The Meeting Game.

We have all heard the phrases “Women aren’t human” or “Men aren’t human” depending on the source. These comments, most certainly, stem from the fact that men and women simply don’t understand each other. Gee! There’s no major revelation there. Men and women are simply like comparing apples and oranges, or more correctly, bananas and pears. Many women are seeking a top banana and a lot of men are looking for a great pear. Both are readily available. So! How do we bring this garden relationship to fruition? Easy! Careful PICKING.

CHAPTER 2

THE MEETING GAME

Welcome to the orchard of fun, where the fruit of your dreams is hanging on every tree, where the shopping takes precedence over the buying, and where your five senses obliterate your common senses.

Of course, finding someone that is attractive to you is a wonderful place to start. But, how do you know that your new banana isn’t a little slippery, or your wonderful pear doesn’t have a core defect?

Opportunities to meet new and exciting people are everywhere. You are focused. You aren’t merely seeking the date of the week. Dare I say it? Only Mr. or Ms. RIGHT will do!

There she is! In the corner, casually perusing the new edition of Soldier of Fortune magazine, she sits, a stunning beauty, waiting for YOU to light up her life. Anyone that looks like that must be perfect for you. You coolly sidle up to her table. She looks up at you with piercing eyes, obviously impressed by your suave and debonair manner. Clearly, she finds you as devastatingly attractive as you find her. She speaks first. She has a decidedly English accent. She is direct. Looking straight into your eyes, she introduces herself. Hello! My name is Blond…Jane Blond. Theme music enters here. We fade to black and you are next seen waking up in a hotel room, in love, forever. Right! Time to get out of the movies and back to reality.

Meeting places abound. The famous singles bar scenario… Hi! I’m Susie, what kind of car do you drive? To Hello! I’m Rich, let’s go for a ride on my new Harley. Or, an introduction from your Aunt Jemima.

It really doesn’t matter how you meet. All you ever get from a first meeting is to establish initial attraction.

Now we get to the crux of the real problem. How do we delve into this attraction to determine whether we have really found Mr./Ms. Right? Trained CIA operatives shrink from the task of attempting to get meaningful information from a prospective date.

You would have better luck asking a politician for the truth. Why? Presumably, both attracted parties want to determine whether they have found their mate. Why is the truth so hard to get? Easy answer! Visualize that you are sitting across from the most alluring vision in the universe. You want to be loved. No way do you want to say anything that could drive this perfectly appearing creature away. The truth is impossible to get at in this situation. In fact, if a person asked if you liked classical music, you would hastily cover up your Grateful Dead t-shirt and profess your devotion to Rocky Manoff or B.T. Hoven. BIG Mistake! But even the truth in searching for compatibilities may not be enough! We’re doing it WRONG!

CHAPTER 3

COME PAT MY ABILITIES

OK! Through your own infallible selection process, you have located your potential ulti mate. This person and you were instant soul mates at the meeting game. Both of you virtually seethed honesty and integrity. You found more compatibilities with this person than you have with yourself. In fact, it was so intense that you even discussed installing dual commodes in your bathroom. So…what’s next? Wedding bells, rice and happy ever after? Why not? This person has all the earmarks of Mr./Ms. RIGHT. What could go wrong? (See Murphy.) Future happiness with this guy/gal appears to be a virtual lock. Sorry to disappoint you, but this lock could still have the wrong combination.

What do we do now? Here I am, telling you that this Mr./Ms. Perfect may still not be right for you. It appears that we are on the horns of a dilemma. But, perhaps the dilemma is not as horny as you think! The key word is “may”. It’s still possible, at this point, that you have really found your dreamboat. No…ship.

The fact is…that compatibilities are nice, but they are not the most important item in your selection process.

It’s perfectly all right for your mate to like a good ball game while you are a big chess fanatic. Or for you to like Opera, while they like Jimmie Kimmel. The number of things that you enjoy doing together, simply, will not be the focal point of the successful relationship.

Well if compatibilities are not the key, what is?

That’s easy! For example… Say that the lady of the house is being a beach kind of person today and the male member wants to be himself at home. How this problem is resolved is the very essence of a successful relationship.

I’m talking about the single most important part of the human relationship.

INCOMPATIBILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPTER 4

IN COMBAT ABILITIES

So…what are these incompatibilities? How do they relate to the mate selection process?

Oh! Boy! Now I’ve started it! You know all about incompatibilities. Why, just yesterday, your husband wanted a pizza, and, due to your splitting headache, you didn’t. But did he understand? Hah! The insensitive boor dragged you to the local hut just to satisfy his sausage lust.

Last Sunday, all you wanted from your wife was for her to accompany you to the big game for some uproarious, beer swilling fun with seven of your work buddies, and she had the nerve to suggest that she would rather go to a concert with her friends and enjoy Bach. Despite the fact that you assured her that the game had more options than Pilsner and Lite, the selfish wench opted for her friends.

And furthermore…..! STOP!!!!! I know that each of you could relate thousands of similar anecdotes concerning all your incompatibilities, but the reality is that your general incompatibilities don’t matter that much.

WHAT?? Didn’t I just say in Chapter 3 that incompatibilities were the single most important part of the relationship?

Yes, but the reality is, that your relationship can survive your general disagreements. There is only one basic incompatibility that is ALWAYS fatal to a relationship.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a clue as to what that might be. Wait! Don’t shoot! I’m only kidding.

The single most important compatibility/incompatibility controlling the success of your relationship is…

Fanfare… Music…

THE DISAGREEMENT INCOMPATIBILITY

Ok! Now, what does that mean? To grapple with this question, extensive research through the writings of an ancient Chinese philosopher was required. Answer coming up next!

CHAPTER 5

…CONFUSE US SAY…

“DIS AGREEMENT IS INSCRUTABLE”

The disagreement incompatibility is simply the one basic problem that can destroy your relationship no matter what else you have in common.

The most important aspect of the disagreement incompatibility is…

How do you disagree?

Uh Oh! I hear those answers thundering in like a loco motive.

I yell! She hits! Sometimes we throw things! I only bite when it’s his fault….

Wait a minute! Before we get off track, I said “HOW” do you disagree. Those terrible things that we do to each other when we fight are the WHATS not the HOW….

The most important element of the “HOW” is… How well do we meet the needs of your mate in time of crisis?

While we all like to be kneaded by our mates occasionally, at no time is it more important than when we are under stress. When you look under your wife’s stress, what do you find? When your husband puts on his stress, how do you deal with it?

Ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing in your relationship more important than the answers to those questions!

If your relationship has the basic incompatibility, it could be DOOMED from the start.

Your Hon does not have to be Attila and your wife does not need to travel by broom.

The basic incompatibility destroys relationships occupied by two great people, wholly unsuited for each other because the BASIC INCOMPATIBILITY is there!

CHAPTER 6

THE FINAL SOLUTION

MIXING NEEDS

OK! Let’s bring it all together. How do we identify and avoid basic incompatibility, before it’s too late?

That’s the bad part… You can’t… You’re really screwed!!! Take it easy! I’m only kidding, again.

Let’s take a look at an example of a typical BASIC INCOMPATIBILITY couple (no villains here).

Mort is a quiet, gentle man that needs to deal with his upsets by brooding alone for a short period. Then all is right with the world!

Viv is a lively, intelligent woman that deals with her upsets by directly talking them out with her mate.

This is a classic BASIC INCOMPATIBILITY formula for disaster. Here’s a knock need couple, and why!

Say, Mort comes home from work, obviously disturbed about something. He passes through the kitchen, gives Viv a little Hello hug and goes into the den to brood. His personal need at this moment is to be alone.

Viv, the sensitive wife that she is, notices that her mate is distraught. This upsets her. Her need is to help Mort by talking him out of his funk; thus fulfilling her need to talk through upsets.

This is starting to look like trouble, Huh! Well, you get the drift. Viv goes to talk to Mort… Mort doesn’t want to talk… Viv pushes… Mort gets angry… Viv gets rejected and hurt… Viv gets angry… Mort is angry at Viv’s anger... Mort needs to brood…etc. ad nauseum… I have a headache!!!!!!

The good news is that, even the basic incompatibility can be overcome.

So, Here’s the SECRET…strong enough for a man and made for a woman...

Use whatever compatibilities that you like, any incompatibilities you can tolerate, but, NEVER, NEVER violate the basic incompatibility law. That is... Your mate needs to be there to satisfy your needs when you are upset... and vice versa!!

IT’S ONLY COMMON SENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PERFECT MATE

You didn’t come this far to stop...

Welcome to the guide to the perfect mate.

I’m assuming that you are a graduate of Noah’s guide to the normal relationship.

You have found a person that did not violate the incompatibility defect, and are now eager to rock and roll.

Caution here. Music aside, Rocks are hard and Rolls are not all Royces.

Chapter One

THE PERFECT MATE- Cryteria

The courtship process revealed that your compatability quotient was very high.

You have the same life goals.

You are both interested in all the same things, type of music, sports, activities etc.

Your personal habits are complementary.

Assuming that honesty held sway during the dating, that seems like a solid match.

But be careful. Lighting that match could still cause serious flames.

Why, you say? What could go wrong? Once again, I refer you to the famous, Murphy. More about that in Chapter two. COMPATIBLITY FICTION

Chapter two.

COMPATIBILITY FICTION

When the fiction really means friction

Yes, I know that during your dating process, you have concluded that this person is “the one” of your dreams. Couldn’t be more perfect for you. Checks all your boxes. Already thinks you’re perfect.

Slap! Slap! You are, indeed, dreaming.

Wake up before your dream becomes a nightmare. As they say in Australia: No one is perfect, Mate!

You might ask why I am saying that, considering that by chapter 1 cryteria, you have evaluated all the issues and found perfect compatibility.

Yes, but note that I also said that it assumes total honesty in the process.

Sadly, this is rarely the case, even with the best of intentions between the parties.

A young client of mine came into my office and proudly announced that he found the perfect girl and they are planning to be married. Naturally, I congratulated him, as he continued to gush about exactly what made her so perfect. He said that she did all kinds of nice things for him, breakfast in bed, never let him see her in curlers or disarray etc. etc. ad nauseum. So I said, Gosh Tony, that’s great! Just one question. Has she shared anything in your dating process that she didn’t like about you? Oops!

Considering that, I asked him whether that was because he was perfect. Of course, that did not cross his mind. But I suggested that he might want to seek out those things that she might have left unsaid.

Another case was that there was a couple in our group (Let;’s call them Susan and Bill) that had lived together for 6 years and we all thought them to be the perfect couple. To make a long story short. They got married and were divorced 1 year later. After the divorce, I asked Bill what happened. Bill said that during the entire 6 years living together he played basketball every Sunday morning and poker every Thursday with no issues.

But, after they were married, Susan began protesting these regular occurrences and wanting him to do couple things instead. And regular fights ensued. Bill asked her, if this routine bothered her so much, why didn’t she tell him? Her most revealing answer was “I didn’t have the right”. Wowser!!! Brain Scramble!

So, the moral is that, even if you know and, ostensibly accept the “shortcomings” of your mate, what comes next?

FIXING PERFECT

First, let’s do a reality check. I hope that I’m not disillusioning anyone or creating a great shock. But Ta Da!

Your mate is not perfect and never will be.

He/she cannot be “fixed”. Let’s be honest here. By fixed you mean changed to fit your desires.

In the last chapter, you will note that I placed the word “shortcomings” in parentheses. I did so because, what you might consider a shortcoming, would not be considered such from the perspective of your mate.

I remember a sort of sexist article about this phenomenon that was exploring the difference between men and women.

It recognized that both men and women hid their flaws in the courtship phase with the intent of impressing the object of their desire.

The male/female difference promulgated by the article declared that, based on what usually happens during the courtship phase, men and women have different views.

After marriage, it was concluded that men wanted the woman not to change the things she was doing while the woman was considering how to change what the man does to improve him. Yuk! Yuk!

Go figure.

Either way, it’s a recipe for disaster.

The good news is that, while you can’t fix the problem (ie; what you don’t like about your mate or his/her habits), there is a solution. It is possible to have a successful relationship while co-existing with the “faults” of your mate.

It is most important to consider that the person you love is the way they are both because of his/her good points and bad points. Curing the bad points will give you a different person. Is that really what you want?

You say No, but, then add, but if I can cure their bad points they would be perfect. Then what about your faults?. Would they also be candidates for a cure? Doesn’t work, right?

So what is the magic formula for success in managing all of your differences and ending up with a successful, satisfying relationship?

Sadly, there is none, so you are totally screwed, and your chances for a successful relationship are zero.

Sorry, couldn’t resist that.

There is an answer. See chapter 3 MAGIC

CHAPTER 3

MAGIC

Formula for success:

Knowledge x weight = Success

Acceptance is the key

Knowledge: Means that you are aware of the undesirable“fault” or trait

Weight= means how important that undesirable trait is to you, not whether your mate is fat or not

Acceptance means your capability to live with it

Now we get to the crux of the matter. Your ability to employ ACCEPTANCE is the absolute most important tool that is needed to manage a close relationship and the inherent differences between you and your mate.

That seems simple enough, right? Wish it were so, But, the notion is frought with peril.

Let me explain by first saying what acceptance is NOT. Acceptance is not just tolerence. It is the ability to look at a fault and be truly OK with not changing it in any way.

For example, let’s say that in your opinion, your spouse has 100 good points and only one bad (ie he/she leaves shoes in the living room.)

So you say to yourself, I can accept that. After all he/she has 99 great points. But unfortunately, the sad reality is that you cannot do that. If you are only tolerating the shoes, it grinds on you, so much that it is all you can focus on. Tragically, you will destroy your relationship over those shoes. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that tolerance is the same as acceptance.

Here’s why it’s it not. When you just tolerate something, the frustration builds within you. You repress acting out on that frustration, and ultimately, resentment follows.

(Repression = Frustration = Resentment = Start of the end

True acceptance on the other hand is recognizing the shoes, not liking the habit, but having no urge to change it or have any resentment to it being there.

If you think that’s easy, think again. It requires an honest look into yourself to determine early on how important these faults are in your mate. You must know that the only one that can change a habit is the possessor of that habit. Someday, your mate, knowing how you feel, just might stop doing it, through no effort on your part. (Unlikely, but one can hope!)

Just like you must honestly evaluate your ability to accept, your mate must honestly face the reality that they cannot change a habit just to please you. The fact is, it wouldn’t work. That false, but well meaning attempt produces the same fatal Repression/Frustration/ Resentment scenario as the above tolerance example

But let’s not forget that there are two parts to consider.

1. You need to discover traits and habits of your prospective mate to balance against the acceptance test.

and

2. You need to identify any traits or habits of yours that your mate might not be able to accept

The above is very useful in vetting whether a date has the potential to become a compatible life mate.

But, what if you are already in a long term relationship. What then?

To answer this question, in Chapter 4. We will need to go to Las Vegas, NV to consult with our relationship expert, Elvis for his comments

Take it away Elvis!

CHAPTER 4

CAUGHT IN A TRAP

We're caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Because I love you too much, baby

Why can't you see
What you're doing to me
When you don't believe a word I say?

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds (with suspicious minds)
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

Thank you Elvis. Thank you very much!

Excuse me. I apologize. Just needed a minute to finish the song.

So, you have been living in a battle field for 5 years fighting over things that you cannot change.

Any winners? Didn’think so.

What to do? What to do?

Well, the good news is that if you don’t already completely hate each other, there is hope.

And acceptance is still the key. Even though belated, an honest appraisal is absolutley the right place to start.

If you can’t be happy, strive for contentment.

I recommend Contentment, Nevada. Nice little town!

Less fighting is always good.

The moral of this story?

Love your partner as they are. No makeovers permitted. There really isn’t any other choice.

Good Luck

Noah